So far, everything on this blog has been cheerful. I have good days and bad days, and on most of the bad days I don’t have the energy to write a blog. Only a few people see me on those days, and I’m sure that although they are glad that they could be there for me, they wish they had never seen it. I’m a shell of myself. I don’t laugh, I don’t smile, I don’t joke, I don’t play, I barely even move. I turn on the TV and lose myself because being present is too painful. Every time anything touches my feet, it feels more like someone is slamming in it a door. Every time I take a step, it takes all of my strength to stay upright and not break under the pain.
When I woke up this morning, I knew I had an appointment to see a new doctor – a neurologist. I haven’t seen a neurologist since I was probably ten years old. Since I got the diagnosis of Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy, I’ve spent a lot of time in the waiting room at pain management clinics. There’s no cure for RSD, so pain management was the obvious route, and because these doctors gave me at least a bit of pain relief, we stuck with them and never saw another specialist.
Despite my doubts over the years of my diagnosis, there was never a doctor that questioned it. I would meet a doctor and explain to them that my symptoms didn’t really match those of someone with RSD, and it was like the doctors had on sunglasses and could only see my condition with that color lens. No matter what symptoms I was showing, I had RSD. That’s the trouble with diagnoses: yes, they simplify processes and give a name to the face of someone’s demons, but once you get diagnosed, its difficult to move outside of that realm. Continue reading
There’s workers outside of my apartment washing the windows with a pressure washer.. Champ Champ is so scared! He was hiding under the table, but he decided my lap was a safer place. What a baby 🙂
Probably one of the most irritating things about my disorder is that I can’t sleep through the night… The pain normally wakes me up at around 5 AM-ish and then I’m up for an hour or two until the medicine reduces my pain enough for me to sleep again…. So I have a lot of sleepless nights. You’d think I’d get bored since the whole world is sleeping and infomercials are the only thing on, but I have successfully found something to occupy myself at times like these. Continue reading
I think happiness is a very misunderstood emotion. People think of it as a black-and-white situation – you’re either happy or you’re not. People think it just appears one day, like tomorrow you’ll wake up and just miraculously be happy. Ha. Wouldn’t it be great if life were that simple?
I could spit out all of the sentimental quotes and movie lines in the world, but it would be in vain. In spite of my tendency to mill through ThinkExist for an hour in search of a quote that explains what I can’t, because if I find a quote that fits, it means somebody else gets it.