I’ve been blessed that I’m not much of a worrier. My mother and both of my brothers tend to worry about things, but for the most part for me, when something is done, it’s done for me. When I can’t control an outcome, I tend to move on.
That doesn’t seem to be the case today.
I had an MRI of my brain done last Tuesday at Mayo, and I still haven’t heard back from them about the results. They’re looking for the obvious things like masses and tumors as well as signs of MS and other disorders. Last time that I had an MRI done at Mayo, they called me the next morning with the results (it was pretty much completely normal), and I figured that they would do the same this time. Well, it’s been almost a week and I haven’t heard anything. I called my doctor’s secretary this morning, and she left a note with the nurse letting her know that I’d like my results ASAP. Hopefully she will call me back sometime before the day’s end.
I’m a really big believer in my gut instincts, and I just have a really bad feeling about these results. I’m worried that they found something, something they don’t want to tell me over the phone. My head keeps telling me that if that were the case, they would have called and let me know that they needed to do more testing or scheduled an appointment for me to come in. It doesn’t seem like the rest of me wants to listen, though. I’m jittery; I can’t stop jiggling my legs around; my mind is wandering; I keep chewing gum just because I need something to distract myself. I just have a really bad feeling, and although I hate to be wrong most of the time, I think that I want to be wrong in this case.
I’m not sure what I want out of the test results, so needless to say that today my worries also come with very conflicted feelings about what the results would mean for me. I’ve been tested for everything under the sun during the last 14 years, and they’ve only found a few abnormalities, but no direct proof of why my body behaves the way it does. That means that for 14 years, I’ve had to say that I’m in pain, that I’m hurting, but the doctors don’t know why or where its coming from. That can mess up a person’s head, and although I am remarkably stable, all things considered, I still yearn for that physical proof in a blood test or a scan that says that I’m not crazy. I know that I’m not crazy, but I want to be able to say to the next person that asks, I hurt because of ___________. Sometimes I don’t care what is in that blank, as long as I can see it, touch it, feel it, as long as I know that it’s tangible.
So to say that I want something to come up on this MRI of my brain would be the understatement of the century. My conflicted feelings come in when I realize that any abnormality that shows up on this MRI will be something that changes my life. I could have cancer, or I could find proof of a disease that doesn’t bode well for my future. If anything abnormal came up, the disorder that comes along with that abnormality would change life as I know it. So I want something to come up on the MRI, but I don’t want it to be something that changes everything. Unfortunately, I can’t have my cake and eat it, too. I either get an abnormal result and everything changes. Or I get a completely normal scan and nothing changes. I’m not sure which is worse or which I’m hoping for.
There’s not much of a point of this post other than to express my concerns with all of you. I used to write posts on Facebook giving updates about test results and doctor’s appointments and all that stuff, but I’ve decided to start doing that on here instead. So I’ll let you guys know when I hear back from Mayo. I’m not sure what I want to hear from them, but I’m sure I’ll find a way to handle it either way. I’ll let you guys know what they say whenever I find out!
I’m not very good at handling worries or anxiety, but videos like this make me laugh and that’s always fun 🙂