On days like today, I’m reintroduced to my frenemy, Fear. She’s such a bitch.
There are so many invisible victims in the shadow of suffering. It has taken me many years, too many years in fact, to realize just how difficult it must be for those of you that make up mysupport system, those of you who must watch me fall time and time again. I don’t have much experience being on that side of the fence, but I am capable of recognizing that it would be devastating and scary as hell. Our story is no different from yours or your neighbor’s or your great uncle’s in Arkansas. At some point in your life you or someone you love will fall down, and you’ll have to be the one to help them back up. Unfortunately, bad fortune is universal,and it certainly doesn’t play favorites.
So far, everything on this blog has been cheerful. I have good days and bad days, and on most of the bad days I don’t have the energy to write a blog. Only a few people see me on those days, and I’m sure that although they are glad that they could be there for me, they wish they had never seen it. I’m a shell of myself. I don’t laugh, I don’t smile, I don’t joke, I don’t play, I barely even move. I turn on the TV and lose myself because being present is too painful. Every time anything touches my feet, it feels more like someone is slamming in it a door. Every time I take a step, it takes all of my strength to stay upright and not break under the pain.
I think happiness is a very misunderstood emotion. People think of it as a black-and-white situation – you’re either happy or you’re not. People think it just appears one day, like tomorrow you’ll wake up and just miraculously be happy. Ha. Wouldn’t it be great if life were that simple?
I could spit out all of the sentimental quotes and movie lines in the world, but it would be in vain. In spite of my tendency to mill through ThinkExist for an hour in search of a quote that explains what I can’t, because if I find a quote that fits, it means somebody else gets it.