On days like today, I’m reintroduced to my frenemy, Fear. She’s such a bitch.
Most of my pain is due to hypersensitivity in my feet and lower legs. Touch hurts, shoes hurt, pressure hurts, I’ve had days when even a fan blowing air would cause me to cringe. Desensitizing my feet has always been my biggest battle, and yoga has helped me to not only get used to constant varied sensation but also taught me how to breathe and take my mind elsewhere when the pain gets really intense. That’s what this picture represents for me. It is so painful for my feet to intertwine like that, but I’ve been practicing this pose for a solid month, trying to find that balance between mind and body. Today was the first day that I was able to bear the pain and still take my mind to a happy place. I think there’s even a smile poking out from behind those toes! It’s days like these that I realize just how grateful I am for the small victories. They keep me going 🙂
So far, everything on this blog has been cheerful. I have good days and bad days, and on most of the bad days I don’t have the energy to write a blog. Only a few people see me on those days, and I’m sure that although they are glad that they could be there for me, they wish they had never seen it. I’m a shell of myself. I don’t laugh, I don’t smile, I don’t joke, I don’t play, I barely even move. I turn on the TV and lose myself because being present is too painful. Every time anything touches my feet, it feels more like someone is slamming in it a door. Every time I take a step, it takes all of my strength to stay upright and not break under the pain.